Forgiveness

I have a hard time forgiving myself. I think we all do. For all of the mistakes we have made, whether it’s a career choice, failed relationships that we desperately wanted to work and even not getting that chocolate cake we’ve been craving. It feels like every day; we would carry a huge brick on our shoulders. This baggage that we didn’t need. Instead of acknowledging it, we would distract ourselves with events that involves perhaps alcohol. We all know with about 2 shots of whatever and couple of glasses of wine, we would be all fine and dandy. Our problems were solved! Until we sobered up. We would force the feeling to go away. With force, the feeling would just come back, but stronger.

I want to talk about a relationship I had recently. This person was someone I knew from the beginning I did not want any relationship with. My mind knew it but my heart didn’t. I saw the red flags. I saw everything. Games were played, controlling characteristics showed up, Insecurities overpowered both of us. Clearly, it was an unhealthy relationship. I didn’t care, I thought he cared for me. I was so desperate trying to fill a void, of being wanted and loved, that I wanted to stay. We all crave love, being wanted and needed.  When we do want something desperately, we tend to jump right into it. Before I knew it, it was over. I didn’t know what to do but blame myself for why it did not work out.

There were two things I could have done.

  1. I could just dwell. Hope and pray he will come running back. I could easily just call him up and beg to get back together.

or

  1. Acknowledge my feelings and move on

 

I’m choosing the second. Instead of saying it, I’m going to do it.

The first step of moving on is to forgive yourself.

 

I forgive myself for playing games with him.

I forgive myself for trying to make something work when it was not working at all.

I forgive myself for seeking attention from other men while with him.

I forgive myself for my own insecurities and past failed relationship problems.

I forgive myself for playing with my own emotions.

I forgive myself for not being honest with myself.

I forgive myself for reaching out to him when I know I shouldn’t.

I forgive myself for having hope that there may have been something.

I forgive myself for being cruel.

I forgive myself for staying.

 

Of course, I will not get over this overnight. I will have my very good days when I don’t think about it at all and I am happy. Then I will have my very bad days when I will want and crave him. But I can control it. I can and I will. Because to love yourself, means to take care of yourself.